I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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