I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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