I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
