Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
