I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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