Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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