I like my sex mixed with concussions.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize