You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
