gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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