I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize