I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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