I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
