Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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