I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
