I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
