They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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