Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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