I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Randomize
