Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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