found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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