So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
