why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
