i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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