I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
