I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
