My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
