he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
