Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
