This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
