8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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