I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
