the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
