I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
