dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
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