If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
