OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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