And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
