Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
