I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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