I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
