I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
