I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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