Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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