The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
