My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
