Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
