Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
