You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
