Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
