youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
