considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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