The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
