Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
