man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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