in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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