Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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