I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
40s are totally the cure
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
