I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
