How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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