I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
